Tonight is one of those nights when procrastination disguised itself as a trip down memory lane. Despite the fact that I still have so many things to do, I decided to reread your pink journal. And I guess, it’s about time to reflect on the five years that passed.
It’s funny how you imagine yourself to be when you reach twenty. In one of your earlier entries, you wrote about how you should be this successful lady, working a job that doesn’t feel like a job at all, and traveling to far-off places whenever you feel like going on a new adventure.
Well, things aren’t how you imagined it to be. You haven’t traveled to every beautiful place there is in the world. You are not a Victoria’s Secret Angel, not yet at least. You haven’t found the one. You don’t have a fancy closet full of fancy clothes. Heck, you’re not even done with college yet! But know this, you will be okay.
All the things you fear or worry about now, will not affect you as much, in a few years time. The pain of your first heartbreak, the fear of not accomplishing anything, the worry that you might not move on from all that has hurt you — all these things will become nothing but battle scars and “once upon a times”.
There are people who will tell you how to live your life. It will start with a simple, “You need to take up a course that will guarantee you a good job”. Then they will discourage you; tell you that you’ll never be successful with whatever career path you choose. The painful things they say will overwhelm you, but you will find the courage to just shrug it all off and do the things that makes you happy.
You will make countless mistakes and failures. And that’s okay. Like what J.K Rowling said, “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.” I know that sometimes you feel like you’ve failed at so many things, you start to think you’re a fluke of nature. Remember this, committing mistakes and failures only means that you’re really living.
Of course, there will still be times when you doubt your capabilities; when you’re unsatisfied of your work and you feel like you just want to surrender. Don’t. Take a break if you must, but never give up. You offer the world something different; something they may never see if you choose to let your doubts and insecurities consume you.
Sooner or later, you will realize that you’re only friends with some people because you get to see them five times a week. You will realize that real friends are the ones who will accept you for who you are, and being with them feels natural. Natural in a sense that you don’t have to strain yourself to keep the friendship, because you know that you will still be friends no matter how long you haven’t seen each other. Life will have a strange way of “filtering” the people in your life.
I know how badly broken your heart is right now. You wish you could find an instant cure to make all the hurt go away, but you will realize that the only way to heal is to feel all the pain.
Pearl, you will go a long way. Though there will be things in the world that will hurt you, your strength and courage is immeasurable. Always remember that you only have this life to live. Go make the most out of it.
All my love,
Your 20-year old self