I just finished my second cup of instant coffee and it’s not a busy school night or a hell week. Drinking coffee at night isn’t my usual ritual except for special occasions like finals week or whenever I feel like expressing things that are bothering me as of the moment.
So here it is… This is one of those “special” nights.
Well first off, I am really paranoid about starting a blog entry with “I”. To be honest, I wasted two minutes of my life just staring at the first line. It feels a bit weird to start an entry like that but then again, I’m not good with constructing thought-provoking or beautiful introductory paragraphs. The same goes with concluding paragraphs. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I separated with my first love.
Honestly, I’m not really good with writing. I just like to think that I am. If you guys only had the chance to take a peek of the notebooks I filled with my short stories and poems, you’d laugh at every word I wrote. If the sentences and paragraphs aren’t the problem, the flow of ideas are. My English teachers would have a brain cancer! It’s that bad. What makes this whole thing even more ridiculous is that there’s a high chance that I might take journalism as my major next school year.
My dream was to become a journalist but that was six or seven years ago. Back when the level of passion and motivation I had for it was skyrocketing. Sure writing has always been something that I enjoy doing. It has been somewhat an escape; a woolly blanket to warm my cold heart; a shelter from the rain (lol at these crappy cliche metaphors). But these days, I just don’t see it as something that I should do professionally. Maybe this is just a phase. If ever I’ll take journalism next school year, maybe I’ll get back that certain level of passion and motivation that I once had for it. I guess I’ll just have to give it time.
Another thing that’s running in my mind for the last thirty minutes since I wrote this post, is a tad bit serious. I’ve always wondered how I’d die and how it might feel. I thought dying felt like fainting. There was this time in high school when I skipped dinner and breakfast then attended my graduation practice, I really thought I was going to die. My heart was racing. My eye sight started to go from a-okay to holy shit you’re fucked. I was cold and sweating profusely. I started panicking. All that’s in my head was “What if I collapsed and died right then and there? That would be an awful way to go.”
Every time I ride a jeepney to the city, I can’t help but wonder what if it would collide with another vehicle and I’d be dead on the spot. Who among the people I love would know about it first? And if ever it isn’t my time to go yet, who would be there to make sure I’d be okay? There are days when I think so low of myself to the point that I’d sometimes think I don’t deserve to be taken care of. It’s kind’a stupid and weird but that’s just how I feel sometimes.
Okay. Enough of that topic because I’m an inch away to going into the murky corners of my brain where only dark thoughts linger.
Lastly, one thing that has been slightly bothering me for the last three years is this: will I ever have a big love? The crazy beautiful kind of big love. The one that writers, singers and artists have spent thousands of years writing about it, singing about it and making beautiful masterpieces about and because of it.
I didn’t really spent much time thinking about it before not until I started working part-time in a photography company that photographs weddings and engagements 90% of the time. Sometimes when I sort photos for the company’s website, I can’t help but feel a teeny-tiny sting in my heart. Well…I try to act all tough and cynical about weddings and love in general but I guess it won’t lead me anywhere but the cage that I’ve built for myself.
*sigh* These are only a few of the countless strings of thoughts strangling into knots inside my head. I don’t have enough patience and time to put all of them into writing. And most of them are too complicated that words do not suffice at all.
Well… good night, I guess? I’ll just end this post like this because I suck at writing concluding sentences/paragraphs. So I’ll make this part a bit awkward……